I am living in Santiago, Chile for many reasons, which I'm sure will come out as time goes on, however I am here on blogger for mainly just one. I have found a group of inspiring women who not only are in a similar situation as me (either married or seriously dating a Chilean and living in Santiago) but are also the kind of people I would be friends with in the "real world" (read: previous or imaginary life in the US). They also happen to have quite a few bloggers among them. While I thank these gringas for taking away enough of the mystery of blogging to try it out myself, I thank them mostly for helping me realize something I have long been struggling with:
The futility of emotional dependency! You all know what I'm talking about, you've either been there or are there right now, living in a foreign country, loving your foreign significant other, and at the same time, blaming them for everything that is wrong or unjust that you encounter, or even for the bad mood you're in.
These outbursts of emotional dependency, while particularly unattractive, are way too easy to fall into. And boy did I fall, and - it must be said - I still do on occasion. "D" was one of the main reasons I came back to Chile and this step was not an easy one. It was huge! There were so many uncertainties and many times when we fought my confidence faltered and I found myself reduced to the emotional maturity of a pre-teen. Or a small child. Perhaps some of both. A million questions flooded my head, "did I just make the biggest mistake of my life?", "am I totally deranged? What the hell am I doing here?", "do I really love this, or just the idea of it?" I suddenly felt without a foundation and that if I fell I would just keep falling and have nothing to catch me. In one small fight, all the emotional maturity I gained by surviving high school and college (and study abroad in Santiago) was erased - temporarily, thank god.
Now, I've come to realize that you can often see yourself reflected in other people and that this can be an incredibly useful tool if you can learn to recognize it. So, one day, while conversing poolside about our Chilean relationships, I got a huge slap in the face. It was like the most profound "duh!" moment, as contradictory as that sounds. By listening to my fellow gringa friends, I realized HE wasn't screwing everything up! He's no saint, but he certainly wasn't the devil I was treating him like. I was being a spazzy gringa, totally emotionally dependent on her man. Ick. Not a happy thought.
What is a happy thought, though, is that circumstances gave me this moment, and I'll be damned if I don't learn from it! So, I'm trying. And it's a work in progress, but I can honestly say that I am already a much happier gringa, and I think my chileno's noticing.
Has anyone else had a similarly profound "duh!" moment? One of those, oh yeah, self-reflection can be really helpful! I'm sure the future holds many more for me, and till then I'm keeping my ears and eyes open.
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Word. I've even dreamt that I'm falling and I break through the first safety net on the way to the second and then it's just an abysm below me. I woke up before I reached the second safety net, so what happens next is still in suspense. I've had the feeling several times. Usually it freaks me out, but one time I enjoyed, like I was skydiving through outer space or something.
Yeah the emotional dependence for me is lessened the more I hang out with friends in Chile and skype my family and friends in the States. And writing helps if you can't tell by my prolific babbling. Yesterday I skyped my aunt for 2.5 hours (for like $3 dollars). We hadn't talked in like a month. That felt good. I could picture her talking to me and almost felt like I was at my grandma's house with her.
Looking at the title to your blog entry once more, it occurred to me that the term "emotional interdependence" kind of wraps up my ideas for a possible safety net, a sort of defense against emotional spazziness, and a source of happiness.
Yaaaay you have a blog. Anyway, YES I know what you mean, it was kind of hard coming to the realization that outside of my boyfriend, I have plenty of acquaintances (many of them his friends) but only one actual true friend (my host sister). I have come to just own it, I find no shame in telling people I have no friends, but I am definitely enjoying getting closer to being friends with a couple of my co-workers and you girls! Helps a lot on those days when Chile sucks or you just have normal relationship drama...which somehow gets magnified when your bf/husband is your ENTIRE world. Plus being a perfectly independent person in the US, I hate feeling like one of "those girls" who's too wrapped up in her man! But we'll get past that and be really cool, independent girls again soon :)
What a great first post Emita!
I am hoping to soon break free from my man dependency because I am still in that phase where I "need" and want to be with him all the time. Sometimes I look back to my old life..my job, groups of friends, family, my day to day activities, everything seemed so natural, so NORMAL and I only needed myself. But here, it really is like a slap in the face after the first few initial happy months of settling down you're suddenly left thinking...JESUS, WHERE AM I? What do I do now???
You're faced with a thousand worries, insecurities, doubts, fears etc...because suddenly it's just you and the big wide world...and it's totally up to you to create a new life for yourself. You have to let go and face the new. I think we're all pretty brave, courageous girls and we deserve some kind of medal for what we're doing!!
I'm so glad to have met you guys (still some to meet in person!) and look forward to many girly mornings/afternoons/nights ahead!
The best thing to do is just be as present as you can; try not to think back to the past or to worry too much about the future - just be. Hang out with friends. Email and call friends and family back home when you can. And write. Writing for me is such a great release...
I'm in a difficult place right now, job hunting, homesick, frustrated at being home all day etc.etc..but I know that soon things will start to fall into place and make sense...it's just a matter of time.
much love!!!
Yep, I have definitely experienced something similar to you, Heather, Tamsin and Emily.
I HATED being one of "those girls" as Emily said, but I didn't really know how to not be here in this country. In the U.S. it was so different when I depended on myself and only myself for happiness. All of a sudden in Chile I felt like I was depending on only S. for my happiness. And now that I've finally made friends here and gotten a job that fulfills me I can finally say that I depend on myself for happiness...S. just enriches that happiness all the more now that I'm at peace with myself.
great first post Emma, can't wait to read more!
I am in a different situation because I fell in love with Chile first (and returned multiple times) before actually falling in love with my best friend from high school (when I was in chile on exchange). But I do think that in order to make this work (this being the relationship, this being the time in Chile) is you have to find a peace with the country, not just the bf. And, admittedly, it is hard to build your own space outside of him. But if you can do it, totally worth it. (ideas, join an art class on your own, or yoga class, or get involved in community work)... also hi... found your blog today.
thanks for the comments, ladies. and great to meet you, clare! (the other ladies I know personally...) It's always great to hear from a fellow Chile dweller, and your work sounds fascinating, by the way! (I poked around your website, i'm sure I'll be coming back often)
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